Confidence: A Common Struggle for An Ultra Private Person
Disclaimer: I am an ultra private person. I hate being vulnerable with people I know and even with people I do not know however I think I need to be real and transparent as I navigate and bring this blog to the world.
Confidence. The word every bad bitch is said to possess and have. My name is Dhanha and I would have to admit I used to be confident and I am on a journey to regain my confidence back. Where do I start? As a child growing in Flatbush, Brooklyn, NY I was full of life and knew I was somebody. I had a smart mouth and excelled in school. My family always blessed me with the best clothes and shoes. I was full of life. In elementary school one of my childhood friends wrote in her diary that I found in my house stating: “ Dhanha thinks she is all that” At the time I knew I was all that. In the sixth grade I wrote an essay for my creative writing project entitled: “ How To Be A Cool Teen”. I was cool, smart, pretty, and very confident.
However life happened and that would drastically change. In September 2001 the whole world changed with the September 11th terrorist attacks and among other things this is when my world would turn upside down. I suddenly became to develop a depression out of nowhere, I wasn’t suicidal but I was just very sad and did not feel like doing anything. This depression lasted for months and within months my behavior turned for the worst, my thoughts started racing and I became very irritable. Eventually my family sent me to the emergency room. My bizarre behavior was very outlandish. I was then placed in a psych ward for teens in Kings County hospital. For a whole month I was out of school and suffering from constant bullying from my peers at the psych ward. I wanted to transfer to Midwood high school to be around people I knew but there was one girl from Midwood at the facility who constantly bullied me. I was afraid she would tell everyone I knew at Midwood that I was in a psych ward.
That experience at Kings County broke my spirit. I felt so humiliated and felt like an outcast. I went back home and started school again in Edward R. Murrow high school my confidence was gone. Over a period of ten years plus I would visit the psych ward a number of times for depression or mania. Every time I went out of the psych ward, I had to start over. My job search was non-existent because every time , I would look for work something in my life would happen, starting the process all over. I was either underemployed or unemployed. I also met some people in my journey who took my kindness for weakness calling me a church girl, ugly, or not knowing enough about public relations. Also I felt in my church environment that I was misunderstood because I had a mental illness as though a demon possessed me or the crazy girl who was sick during church service.
I have been dealing with mental illness for more than 15 years yet most people do not know this. I feel really ashamed most of the time because of my diagnosis. I have felt like the illness ripped me of my confidence and ruined my career.
Now at the ripe age of 34 I am reclaiming my confidence back. The blatant bullying I received in the psych ward and the alienation I received from the church really ruined my confidence. However one thing I can say is that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I am strong, beautiful, kind , polite, resilient , and creative. I know the Most High has a plan for me. I am working on my confidence as we speak. I am currently in therapy, I am working on hiring an image consultant, I am avoiding energy drainers and I am working on my first love, which is content creation. I will be creating content and will use my gifts to the world. There is one Dhanha and by God’s grace I will be confident again.